Suhas shares his opinion!

indian man's opinion on marriage, male dominated society, childless marriage, Male's perspective on motherhood,Man talks on Motherhood

Last night  when I read the article IS MOTHERHOOD A CHOICE ??  it just made me think so hard about it that I couldn’t stop doing everything I was and just to write what I feel. So here is what I think…

Note :  This is just a personal opinion and isn’t referring to anyone in both directly and in-directly. 
Ananya’s  article starts about an anonymous call, which turns up to challenge her with the most difficult question any woman could possibly face. Is motherhood a choice..??  

Before I start with what I think or what my argument is, I would like to tell, that the below argument is not between mind and heart, nor it’s about law of nature vs. rules of life, It’s about assumptions about future and choices you make in your present. I think I am complicating the topic here. Let me tell you.

Any “Indian” kid, who is born, brought up in a family with his/her parents have a certain way of life. They know, rather I should say they assume basic things about how their childhood, teenage and adult life could be. As a kid you study hard until you get good scores in school, go to a good grad school and later get a job with decent salary. After that a car, a home adds to the checklist. Later get married, have a kid or two, help them grow up and then get retired at the old age. This is life time to-do list of mostly more than 80% people. 

In this entire list the most important thing is going to be Marriage. As Chetan Bhagat says in Two States, An Indian marriage is just not between two individuals, rather the marriage is between two families and all possible immediate relatives. Hence no matter what, we will never be able to take the “Family” factor out of our life. So, when a boy and girl get married, there are basic assumptions what most of them do about each other and about their common future. Some of them are...
  • Assumptions by Boy:
    • Girl, if not working, will take care of home as a housewife.
    • She will take care of any dependent family members and keep the family running happily...
  • Assumptions by Girl:
    • Husband will work and provide all the basic financial support required to run the house.
    • Will lead the family during all the tough situations… 
  • Assumptions by both:
    • We will have one or more kids in our life as a part of family.
The reasons I mentioned these because, all these assumptions and events in our life are linked like a chain. It’s a sequence of events. Without the first event no further event will take place or without a single link there in no chain or life.

Parenthood is one of the most important links in this entire chain of events. So now coming to the question…  YES. Parenthood is a Choice. Every man and woman has the right to choose what they want in their life and what they don’t want. They are free to make their decisions in every aspect of their life. Both man and woman have an equal right to make a decision in this case, and their combined decision is respected by the society and the immediate family. Now let me talk about maternal side of the parenthood. The same may or may not be applicable for a father.

Motherhood, YES it’s a choice and right of a woman to choose whether she wants to become a mother or now. In most of the cases people know or they are just accepting this without any thoughts when they reach a proper age. Many women don’t know whether they have the right to say No to this. Most of the girls don’t even think about this before their marriage and boys assume that they will have kids in a couple of years after marriage. Hence this discussion never comes between the two while they are in love or during the time they are getting married. But when a real situation comes where the wife is making a choice against the assumption and decides not to be a mother, because she realized it after few years of her marriage, then at her situation, that’s not the only choice she has to make.

Because of her choice the chain of events in a person’s life breaks. So they have to make decisions in more than once life events. Most important one is about their current marriage. If husband want a kid badly and if it’s very important to him, then will the wife give him a way out..?? Even if wife says y, is that the right way to handle the situation..??  What about boys parents..?? They are dreaming about their grandkids and keep their bloodline alive for many more years. What about the social life which builds based on your kid..? Would you like to leave all the couples with kids and stay isolated..?? Many more… 

In western culture, where the individual’s life is very different than one’s life from India, these selections are more common and are respected because there are no assumptions about each other or about their upcoming possible life. Hence marriage, divorce, living single, living together, single parenthood and many other events are respected equally. But in a life where you are grown up in a particular way, your assumptions about future makes these selections very difficult and independent of others decision.

Today, when I recently got engaged after a yearlong search for my soul mate, I found that, I have the same assumptions. When I discussed about this with my fiancé, I found the same that even she has the similar assumptions about my roles and our possible future. But if it wasn’t for this article, I wouldn’t have spoken about this with her. I was lucky that our thoughts matched.. But what if they had not..?  So does it mean that we have to stop assuming things about our future..?? Can life be like an agreement on paper, where every event is predefined..?? NO. If everything is written in black and white then it’s not called life. 

Life is always about hope, decisions, assumptions and choices. The hope of a better life makes us assume positive things. A decision to stick to the choice you make defines your course of life. When both these things run in parallel life is just beautiful. So, friends.. I wish you all Hope, assume, chose and decide everyday of your life. 
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  1. Parenthood!! a great responsibility. My take if you are ready bear the responsibility, if your not do not bring a soul in this world who will be loved half heartedly

  2. A thought provoking post. In India the mind set of the people is quite different from other countries.Here people talk of family heritage and other such issues but in the West this is not the issue,

  3. Suhas's opinion is very correct and logical.Glad that he shared his views :)

  4. An interesting post that makes one reflective on marriage, children and the choice we make. It's not an easy route, I guess but what matters is growing up in a relationship. Yeah, being independent and maintaining one's identity matters in a relationship.

  5. Can I agree more than a word you said....I wrote a story some times back in similar line Why you don't want to get married?

  6. Very true Suhas. I am glad you came out with your opinion. I loved the part about assumptions guiding us all through life. It is just that they are ingrained in our upbringing and there is barely anything we can do about it as time passes by, unless we are exposed to a more liberal environment.

  7. The ideal situation should be that all the "assumptions" should be cleared before tying the knot.